I just finished watching this lecture about love and autism, which talks a lot especially about social situations with autists, why they act how they do, and how their brains work in these – especially as opposed to non-autistic brains.
There are so many things in my life I haven’t ever considered an autistic trait, ever. A thing I’ve heard/realized a lot of times especially lately was that me always trying to help – rationally – is very often not appreciated. People complaining often just want to vent and get emotional support – not _actually_ any help solving the problem; often they even know how already. All I do is trying to find solutions, because if I complain I do so because I don’t know what to do and want help – but it looks like that’s rather a common autistic thing to do.
There was so much to take away from this. I might watch more times and go over all of it for a blog recapitulation. Now, I’m physically and emotionally devastated like I haven’t been in a long time. It’s insane. I feel like I did EVERYTHING wrong. EVER. My entire life. 95% of the lecture felt like she was talking biographically about me, 75% of those things I just assumed to be characteristic traits of mine, many of those just due to me being “smart”.
Obviously, she talked as generally as possible. Which subsequently means I’m very, VERY generic, normal and not special in _any_ way at all, as an autist. I know that reading this sounds like I always thought I was a snowflake – it’s the truth. I’ve assumed so many things I shouldn’t have. It even comes down to very specific coping-mechanisms I thought I, being smart, came up with individually, out of the ordinary, even within autists. Well, it turns out that’s all just normal; for autists, anyway.
I feel shattered right now. As if I’m nothing that I thought I was. The amount of projecting I’ve done is INSANE, too. I probably – rationally analyzing, very likely – hurt a lot of people with that, so I’m gonna need to figure out short-term solutions as well for some situations I’m in right now (like my living situation).
I’m gonna try to calm down now, sleep, and have a look at what’s left after that. What I can do about these things, and what I have to do. One thing I can definitely try to apply asap is to ASK wether people want emotional or rational help before “chipping in”. That might be possible. It’s good I saw this shortly before an important appointment with my psychiatrist – being aware of these things will help me a lot mid- and even long-term, especially in therapeutical situations.
Anyway, I’m off for now. Actually might hold back more in the near future, when it comes to discussing/talking. I’ve withdrawn socially almost entirely already; the only thing that was left will follow now as well, but seeing all this, that’s likely for the better, for me, and the people around me. I just have to figure out who I am, and what I want to do.
One thing that’s very important for everyone around me, though: I can NOT mind-read. Everything you don’t tell me EXPLICITLY, I will assume on. If you (don’t?) want me to do something, tell me DIRECTLY. What you think is logical (and that includes EVERY social situation, which includes any interaction with me) is NOT for me! It will take me years to figure this stuff out.