A little help – a little hope

This January 2018, my former partner and I had to break up. Our depressions were triggering each other too hard. We just spent two great weeks together, and decided that we can’t be in a relationship.

They were the most important person in my life, and my fear of loss – amplified by hope that felt naive until I met and got together with them – broke down on me completely. I felt the strongest emotional pain in my life, detached myself from the world for a few days, and then learned that I’m capable as an own human being; that my life and chance of happiness did not, as my trauma-fueled emotionality had assumed, on them. I learned a lot about myself due to them, and more on top of that after that necessary breakup (which noone is to be blamed for). I owe them more than I can put into words.

They visited me for the last two weeks after a month of practically zero contact. Those were really damn great two weeks, and they were as exhausting as they were amazing. We both came to the conclusion: As much as we want to, as much as we love each other, we will not be able to be relationship partners. It’d destroy both of us. They just left, and we said our goodbyes. We did not agree on never meeting again; if we find another time as long as this (we need 2-4 days just to get used to each other) at some point in the future and are both emotionally capable, we’ll certainly talk about doing this again.

I feel good about this. And that’s new – it may very well be the most distinct sign yet of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve developed and grown in the past 14 months, how much I’ve learned from them and many other really damn lovely people around me, and effectively, that I’m getting better and better.

I know for a fact that there were situations almost every day while they were here which I would not have been able to handle just a few months ago, before everything I feared most to happen happened. But since being pushed into my worst nightmare, I am different. Fundamentally. I only had a small number of not-suicidal breakdowns during their visit, all of which we were both able to handle as well as one could wish for with severe depression. I cared for most by myself, which is really damn important, and they helped with two where it mattered.

That number of breakdowns is higher than how many I had in the previous 6 weeks, and there were a lot of situations that were difficult to handle and scary to confront. But we both managed to do that as well as we could, which is why these two weeks were still so amazing.

I helped them as much as I could as well, of course. This is not just about me; they were the one pulling the plug at the breakup. This time, we both came to the same conclusion and agreed about its nature – and we were able to finish this more pleasantly than I think both of us hoped for.

I am infinitely thankful for the love, help, support, understanding, lessons, patience, and everything else I received from them in higher amounts than I ever did from any person before. For the first time, even though just rarely, I did not feel utterly alone in the world. I learned how family is supposed to feel like when I spent Christmas with their family. I got the tool to pursue my most important passion, photography, on that same during that too. I learned that I’m not just capable of but tend to prefer non-monogamous relationships. And I learned that I’m certainly capable of causing joy.

This is over now, and it’s uncertain wether we’ll ever meet again. If we do, I’m looking forward to it. If we don’t, I look into the future as a new person that I like MUCH more than any I’ve ever seen myself as. For the first time, that feeling is not 100% negative.

Thank you for your company. I’ll take over from here.

The title for this entry is a quote from the game Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice.

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